Now that I have been blessed - beyond freaking blessed - with three BEAUTIFUL children.... I would like to ask .... What does it mean to be a MOTHER???
Let's see... It means - freaking out - about EVERYTHING!!!! It means wanting EVERYTHING ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS for these little farts that give us these little "I LOVE YOU's" and screwy little 'whatevers' and 'ISMS'... It is also mean seeing your 'once little girl' turning into someone that you ABSOLUTELY do not understand - and no matter how hard you try to reach her - she doesn't reach back... You can see her trying to reach out a little - but she wants someone other than me... Which is FREAKING KIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLINNNNNNNNG me.... Anyone who reads this - knows... I love my daughter more than life itself... She has been a little bit of everything to me... ALOT of my Sunshine - and a whole hell of alot of Heaven for my heart... She is now testing her own waters - and I am absolutely freaking out. I've given what I think is the absolute ALL that I can give... Well... I could take that back - I COULD have given her a life without divorce... But she would have been in a situation where two people loved each other - but they didn't deserve each other... If that makes any sense whatsoever... Some people can love each other - ALOT - but it just isn't enough - nor worthy of what a child deserves. I've been there - and I didn't want that for her... She doesn't understand - atleast not completely yet - but she will... Regardless - EVERY freaking breath that I take is for her and her brothers... I do everything and anything to make them smile...
I have been a very very lucky woman (holy shit - I'm calling myself woman instead of girl... shit - I'm old)... - ANYWAY - I've been lucky enough in love to have married TWO very good men. ) I MUST SAY - that Jer is THE utmost of EVERYTHING that has been positive in my life (and Hannah's) for the past 6 years. He calmed the most 'un-calmable" (sp) person on the planet... And I love, respect and cherish that he is in my life for that...
Back to Hannah - shit fire and save the freaking matches!!!!!!!!!!! She WILL get it someday... She will always love me - she may not always like me - but I am doing the best that I can to give her EVERY absolute tool in life to 'BE'.... 'BE' the best absolute person that she can be... I'm not a bad mom - and I know that... Actually I FREAKING rock... Sometimes I just need to remember what it means to be a Mother... It means "FREAKING OUT ABOUT EVERTHING!!!" - but keeping your cool enough that your kids don't know how bad you are freaking out...
I love my little Hannah Sunshine... Regardless of how she makes my heart hurt sometimes. "She is my Sunshine... I am her world... Momma's little angel... She is my girl... Wake up in the morning.. She gets me through... Seeing her smile at night... There's nothin' that I wouldn't do... For those blue eyes.. and that pretty blonde hair...That's my baby girl - that my angel there.... (HSM - 2004) (I wrote that little 'song' for Banana many years ago - thought I'd share).
Have to go inside now... :)
Goodnight!
Pitcher
7 years ago
2 comments:
Did you write those last lines?! Love it- want to steal it. :)
Had to come look at your "drunk blog." Man it has got to be tough, so much so that I can't even imagine. When do they go from being so perfect and innocent where we know every little thought they have to being a little mystery? Keep it up, Momma, because you are great.
And congrats Jer!!!
hey honey.. well.. we have had many many IM conversations about girls/daughters! you know what Ive been through with my almost 18 year old! What your feeling, going through and dealing with is absolutely normal. No, that doesnt make you feel better I know. They dont stay little for long and no kid is perfect. Each kid reacts to situations different, each kid is different from the next. Even if they live in the same house, raised by the same parents. What was hard for me, really really hard, was seeing her come into her own. Which is so normal and so expected and so what is supposed to happen. But she wasnt that little girl I could 'control' anymore. I spent the last 14-15 years with her right under my thumb and now its a thumb race to keep up with her. Be prepared Heather. Be patient, but be prepared. It gets to a point, for me (I can only speak for me), where I didnt "like" my kid! Talk about feeling like a bad mom !! That'll definitely do it. But, shes human. And shes going to do and say things I dont like. So even though I dont like her sometimes, I will always love her and she knows that. If she doesnt by now, then the only thing left to do is tatoo it on her forehead! My kids are from a split family too. And MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY (Ok you ge the point) they choose their dad over me. But its only because he is their weekend entertainment. He is not the disciplinarian, hes not the one who has to 'raise' them. Yeah, hes there for them, but only for the fun. He has gotten out of having to deal with the hard stuff. I feel like your situation is similar. I have every faith in the world that when they get older, out on thier own, start thier own family, they will FINALLY see why we did what we did, and RESPECT IT! And love us more for doing it! I totally believe that. I have a "weekend dad"...who I havent talked to in 10 years! And dont care to ever again. Thats something our daughters, kids wont have the chance to feel about us. Because deep down as much as they "hate" us, the love us even more. I so believe and trust in that! You have to, or you will drive yourself insane! Well, I will quit rambling. I can only tell you what I know and what Ive been through. Hope it helps :) I love you!
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